Sex was.........

In a couple of old posts I mention that I thought my gf might be depressed, well I am going to keep an eye on this, as when I got in from work on Wednesday she told me that she hadn't got anything out for dinner and didn't know what to have. so I suggested a couple of things and she then moans at me because the night before I didn't have the pizza but fish fingers and that she couldn't do those again to night, she was shouting this at me. So i left her to it and played with my son for a bit hoping she would settle down a little.

When it was time for me to go I gave my son a kiss and cuddle bye and went to give my gf one and she turned away so I started walking for the door, she then came up behind me and said sorry and did give me a kiss in the end.

Now yesterday I was feeling horny (nothing unusual I know) but thought I would let the gf know that I was going to ravish her body, no reply, so I asked if she fancied some fun and she said might do.

So I meet her at her mums and we go home and have dinner, my son is absolutely knackered as he has been dragged round the shops by his mum and nan. So after dinner I get him ready for bed and take him up and read his story. Lately he has got in to the habit of not going to sleep when the story is finished but looking for any sort of excuse to stay up, he latest is "Can you turn the water off please, its making a noise" what he is talking about is the immersion boiler that is in his room which sometimes will make a little noise but to him it scares him, so we have to turn it off at the mains, the problem with this though is if you forget to turn it back on in the morning, either if your first you get a hot to warm bath, if your second nice and cold.

So once that is all done I get the duvet out and tell my girlfriend to get naked so I can massage her, its amazing how quick she can undress. So I strip to my boxers as there is no way I cam getting my clothes dirty, so I massage her from top to toe for about half hour, she then takes my shirts and puts that on to keep warm, why do women look so sexy in men's shirts.

So about half our later she is back on the duvet and and I start massaging her bum and then start trying to play with her, but for some reason I can't do anything right. I do it to softly and tickling her then to hard then I can't find what I am supposed to be playing with and it becomes bit of a farce for me, so she then shows me what i am supposed to be doing and we get back on track, I am now out of my boxers and she is on her front and we have sex which was nice but afterwards and even during it I just wasn't in my mind that in to it, there seemed to be something missing. What it is I think is the interaction from my girl friends, ok yes she reminded me what I had to do but it had to be initiated by my, the only touching going on was me on her, there was no kissing or cuddling and for me this made a big deal to me. I didn't tell her this yesterday as I couldn't put my finger on it but today after thinking about it I am 100% sure that is what was missing, so tonight I am going to mention it to her and see if we can break what is going on between us in this department.

The Travel, The Fussing, The Funeral and The Car Alarm

Well last Tuesday me and my bro ended up driving to Glasgow for my Grans funeral.

I live on the Kent coast so this adds normally 1-2hrs journey time to wherever you are going north or London.

As flights were stupid prices (I found out this was due to the UEFA cup being held in Glasgow, played by two Spanish teams) we decided to drive up and seeing as my car isn't running correctly at the mo (Petrol gauge is screwed and the AC isn't working properly) I asked my mum if we can borrow the company car which luckily she agreed to and so did her hubby (they run the company together) but I was under instruction by my step dad not to let my brother smoke in the car. So when i finally find the office, they forgot to tell me they had moved it round the corner I parked up and waited to be picked up as my brother had to pick the car up local to him. We left the office at just after 7 when the fussing began, first text of the evening "Have you left yet", it was my mum, so I replied and off we went, first stop garage, we need supplies oh and petrol (which luckily we were putting on account), so i buy the usual, four bottles of pop, crisps, cigs and king size rizzla.

So we started the trip quite well no arguing and things, i got the ipod working through the radio at last so it was all good.

My brother did most of the driving on the way up and we changed twice. Once after we had tried to get some food, he got back in the car then the next services asked me to take over which I did, then we changed again when we filled up with petrol as I couldn't keep my eyes open and he had slept for an hour or so when it had been my turn.

We finally arrived at our hotel just after 2am, so I text my mum, not sure how many this was after but i had made her worry abit telling her we didn't have shirts and ties for the funeral and i didn't actually have a suit either.

Once in the hotel the bar was packed, it was full of Spanish football supports, I wanted to have a beer but thought that with the early start the next day it would not be a good idea. So once in the room we roll a joint each and have a pleasant smoke. as i was no longer tired from the journey I ended up watching Basket ball till 4am.

So Wednesday morning we wake up and its the first time i have seen Scotland in the daylight for 4/5 years and its looking great, the hills are looking extremely green and the contrasts of them to the grey clouds looks amazing, we go down to breakfast about half 8 and have a full breakkie. We leave about 9/half 9 and travel in to Glasgow city centre to pick up a couple of shirts and ties and a suit. As soon as we are in the car I get a call from my mum saying that we should pop to the asda/tesco store and have a look in there so I almost hangup on her before saying everything is in hand. Still traveling round Glasgow as roads have been closed etc due to the football we end up in the St. Enoch centre and I see s sign for debenhams but as we are heading for it we pop in to Tie Rack and get our ties, I ask where the nearest suit/jacket shop is and he points us in the direction of burtons which is next door. We go in and spot a trouser and jacket set, I try the jacket on but its to tight, so I try another on and it fits, I look at the price and its £75 for the jacket or £99 with the trousers to instead for £120 I think, so I try the trousers on and they fit so I grab two shirts, one each and go and pay, they try to sell me their Burtons card which I say no, they try again so I say no, it must be thirds the charm as once again they ask and I still refuse, finally we get our stuff and leave. Parking for all this time is 40p I think we must have been 10-20Min's max.

We finally get on the road to go to my aunt to meet my mum and Aunt. When we get there mum is still fussing 9its her way of coping) she moans at the way we look, that we haven't shaved blah blah blah, well I know I have shaved and my aunt checks and tell my mum that we have shaved, we are also wearing jeans, t-shirts and trainers, so we go off and get changed. When we come back in I can tell our mum is proud of us as she has us lined up and having our pictures taken.


So we head off to my Papa's house where we meet up with my other cousin and Aunt and play the waiting game. The hearse and Limo turn up on time 2pm and we get in Limo others in the car and we head off to the Crematorium, I am in the front seat of the limo and my papa is behind me and i can tell he is having problems in holding himself in and i feel so sorry for him, luckily my Mum and aunts are in the back with him and comfort him.

We get to the crematorium and there's a delay with the service in front of us so we have to wait a while before we go in. Whilst waiting there is a queue of people wanting to go in, I don't recognise any of them but they are friends/family of my gran and papa. We finally get inside and the service starts (we are in what they call the Old Part, its a very typical building for the Highlands in Redbrick but great design. ). I think this is the best service I personally have been to, the reason for this is there was no eulogy, the Minister mentioned everything that would have been mentioned in the Eulogy but without the closeness and the breakdown alot of people have when speaking at funerals. I don't mean any disrespect but I feel with out the eulogy I can cope better as there is a slight bit less of the personal touch.

Once the Funeral is over we make our way outside where i meet alot of people that remember me from when I was a "we man" and visiting my grandparents in Scotland and me not having a clue who they were, I also met more family members from my Gran's side, her sisters and such.

Once that was all done it was off to the The Miners Welfare Social club In Kirkintilloch, now Kirky is a bit of a dive, I don't know what has caused this or it has been like this ever since I was a kid but it seems more run down than normal and breaks my heart a bit, but the views from the houses in this area are amazing, behind them they have this mass of hills that go for miles and up for miles, the tops disappearing in the clouds(in the summer they look even more amazing). When we walk in there is a pot of soup on the go and tea and coffee being served, now I'm not used to this and not sure if it is a tradition or not but hey when in Rome. After having a snack on the buffet and talking to the family its time for a beer. Once that is in hand off to the pool tables where I beat my brother 2 nil.

Everyone starts to leave around 5ish so I head back to my papa's house and have a cup of tea about 10 cigs and talk about the past, I then get change back to jeans etc for the drive home. We have to give my mum a lift back to my aunts as that is where she is stay and also there is no room in my aunts car, we get back there where my brother decides it would be a good idea to get changed.

We finally leave about 7ish and hit the road, my brother starts the first part of the journey and I fall asleep about for half hour to an hour, we pull in to the services about half 9 and have something to eat and a smoke, we leave about 10 and i am now in the driving seat, we pull in to Oxford services about 12am for a smoke break (my brother has been alseep all this time). We are heading back and the M26 is closed so we have a detour and finally get back to my car just after 2 (yup another 8/9 hour journey done in 7). We roll a joint smoke that and i drop him off home and go home my self. I have now hit my second wind when i get in so I get the duvet and head to the sofa where I stay up till 5am watching baseball.

In the morning I'm not relling to bad I look at my watch and its about half 8, I have already told work I am going to be in late, but i make the mistake of sitting down and closing my eyes, I awake at half 11, feeling like crap i call work and tell them i won't be in which they are fine about.

As I now have the day free, myself, the gf and my son head in to town to meet her mum for lunch. We then visit shops etc and i am so borded of this now, we finally leave and pop to sainsburys and get a couple of bits for dinner, when we get back to the car I push the remote and nothing, strange it locked the car when we left. I try again, the red light flashes on the key fob but still nothing, now i start walking round the car trying the button and still nothing. Is there something blocking signal, I have no idea, I am starting to think maybe the alarm isn't working so I unlock the door with the keys and suddenly and eye piercing alarm goes off, yup its mine. There's nothing i can do about it so i keep trying and the bloody thing will not go off. I tell the gf that we need to pop to the car shop in town, maybe I need a new battery or something, we get to the shop and i tell the chap and he says it may just be a new battery needed, so he replaces the battery and I ask him it that will reset the fob, he says it shouldn't and he mentions that if it is the key fob having problems it's going to be expensive to correct. Well weather it did or not I do not know as the bloody thing still didn't work. Luckily I had the alarm instructions with me and after reading them once I tried what it said for putting in the pin to turn the alarm off, this didn't work, so I read them again but properly this time and guess what, yup this time it worked and we can go home.

Once home I reset the code on the fob and all is good now (well till next time anyway).

Confession

I have smoked a few cigarettes and a couple of joints this month.

To be exact it was on the Tuesday and Wednesday of last week.

It was the drive to Scotland and the drive back and during the funeral I was smoking, but i have not touched one since then.

I think that there is something up with my gf but i don't know how to approach her about it without her getting all defensive and starting an argument.

It all started Sunday when i picked her up from work, I could tell she was angry and upset over something, I asked and she said "nothing" which I have learnt means something.

So we get home and I put my son to bed for his afternoon snooze and the gf goes to bed to as she had been out the night before.

I feel a bit tired but do a bit of tidying in the kitchen and prepare dinner.

About halfway through making dinner my son wakes up and so he comes downstairs. Once dinner is nearly ready I call down the gf which she is just stirring from her slumber.

We sit down and have dinner which was a hit except I was the only one to finish.

I then bath and put my son to bed and after some time of him playing up and not going to bed he finally falls asleep and me and the gf sit down and chill for a bit. About 10 we decide to call it a day and head off to bed. Once in bed I start getting comfortable when she decides to tell me all about her day, now this is hard for me as my eyes were already rolling in to the back of my head and when she starts talking to be she sees this happens and says goodnight, so I instantly open my eyes knowing she needs to talk.

So she starts telling me about her day and how bad it has been so I tell her she should take it up with her boss which she says she has done before, so I tell her to do it again, she said she might. I would like to do it myself but she has got to stand on her own two feet now and again. She then tells me that shes sorry for the way she has been acting but she has been having all sorts of things going on in her head and is feeling trapped, she tells me that she wants to start over and move back in to her mums, which I tell her is fine with me, my son would still be with me. She tells me i can then have the house that I want which I tell her that i would only need a two bed place if she did move out.

So we talk it out a bit and she tells me that she will be fine and that she will sort her head out, I did say that she should maybe go and see the doctor but she waved this idea off. Now I am no doctor but could this be a sign of depression as Monday she couldn't get herself out of bed to take our son to school so I did it.

Last night when she got in she told me she was going to bed as she was tired and went straight up as soon as she had put the washing on that I then had to get out, which isn't a problem but the way it was done was. I was on the xbox when she came in and she asked me if i had done the washing that she forgot to remind me about, to which I said "no", so she put it on then came and sat down and normally she will get a magazine out and i will finish when I reach the next save point, last night though, straight away it was turn this off, so when I said when I finished this bit she got in a mood with me and said she was going to bed, to which I said I will finish this then you can stay down with me. Nope that didn't work then as i was tired to I said as soon as this is finished I will come to bed to, to which she said fine I will stay up and put the washing out, so I said fine and soon as this is finished I will be up she said no now, so I carried on and she went up to bed and I stayed up till it was finished.

I have booked a trip to see my mum at the end of July and am taking my son with me so I hope that this time alone to herself will help abit and relieve some of the stress she is going through looking after our son everyday (not that I think he is that much of a handful)

I am worried about her but no idea what to do at the mo, one step though is that she has decided to go on to the contraceptive injection again and she had been looking in to it the other day.

You can never be truly ready

I was having dinner with my mum and brother Thursday night as she was over from France on business, the meal was ok but the staff were brill, problem was my gran at the time was on her last legs and during the meal we got the call telling us she had passed away. It had been coming for a while, she had been fighting lung cancer, about 3 years now. She moved/was placed in to a hospice a few months ago now and I think she just finally gave up and i don't blame her. I think the older generation realise when they go in to one that they know they aren't going to be coming out so stop fighting and I am guessing this is what happened to my gran in the end and she was a fighter. So I will be going to the funeral which is in Wednesday, which to me is very quick but hey, I looked at getting a flight but the prices and flight times are so ridiculous that I will be driving up instead. I will be sharing the driving with my brother so that isn't to bad but it is 8 hours on the road :(

I had a good weekend not to busy but enough not to get bored, looked around a few houses and having another look at one tonight, fingers crossed the gf likes it, I know the area it is in is not ideal but its what you make of it.

When's a Promise Not a Promise

Yesterday from about 10am I was on a promise. The gf had said tonight we will have some fun.

So this in turn got my mind thinking of all sorts of things, so to make sure we were going to have some fun I asked her what time did she want me back from the pub after football and she said it didn't matter. So now I think I am going to have my cake and eat it.

I get home from work just before 6 after popping to the shop to pick some bits up for her dinner, she is still in her good mood so I get ready for football and nothing is still said about what time i should be home. After football i go in to the bar and have a couple of pints and get home about 21:15 and the gf is on the computer and I casually mention the plans and she tells me "I'm to tired now", "oh" I go. She then says I thought you would have been back sooner, you told me to have our son in bed early (what I had said was that he normally is in bed when i get home).

So last night nothing happened, we then get in to bed and start talking when she tells me she wants another baby and she will have another baby. Now I don't want another child, I am very happy and love my son to bits. I understand the maternal instinct especially as she had four babies to look after in creche today.

I know my son was great as a baby and he was such an easy baby to look after, and this is me being selfish, what is the next one is hard work, waking during the night crying etc, I know this is what babies do but I am in a happy place really with my son and I want him to have all my love as a parent and not split it between two children. I know parents with two children say you love them both the same and I believe that but the attention one gets over another will always be different, not on purpose and children can pick up on this so easy.

But the line that did get me was the "I will have another baby" meaning that if its not me then it will be with someone else. So do I cut my loses now and do a runner or do I stick it out till she it adamant in having another baby and when i saw no watch her go off. Ok I know this may just be words but what if its not. I spoke to someone about a month ago when I was still smoking and he told me that his brother/brother in law and partner split up because he didn't want another child and she did and they were happily married (I think).

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UPDATE

After texting her to see if this is what she meant, her answer was "Well I don't want another child now. So I am guessing that she thinks I may change my mind later on and she maybe right. The above I guess was me getting on my soapbox

A week has gone by

And Folkestone is looking like London in the boom time.

There is scaffolding everywhere, chimneys coming down, new ones going up.

Well that's the boring bit over with, now for the exciting news.

Well ok there isn't any.

For the past week i have been umming and aaahring about excepting an other on my house, luckily I did wait as today I had another offer, ok for the same price but at least we can now get some more money out of them.

I have also still not had a cigarette and I even got through the hard test.

Friday a friend came over so we had a few beers and JB's (Ran out of Jack Daniels so it was Jim Beams turn). The gf got in about 2.

Saturday was spent just faffing about getting the house ready for a view then seeing the mortgage company. Then when i got in the other half was still in bed after sleeping of the hangover a bit so we had a quick ply and fondle and as this is what I thought was all I would be getting I decided I was going to go out and meet my friends for a beer or two.

Once I was ready and as our son was at his nans I went to say goodbye to the gf, when the next minute I find ourselves both naked (this is how it used to be with us). I then got ready again and went out.

Now this was the first proper test for me and not smoking as I haven't really been out to the pubs for a drink and not smoked so I had a feeling that this might be hard for me. Luckily I was wrong though, with the friends that I was out with two of them smoke and the other two didn't.

So we went to a couple of pubs and it was in the third one that I got the feeling of wanting to smoke, which is quite common for me as I was now borderline drunk, but I managed to resist and can now sit here and tell you it has now been three weeks without smoking.